⚠️💋Reminder💋⚠️: This was written sometime in July 2018. This has no correlation to what I’m feeling NOW in 2019 or how I’m doing mentally today. The only reason I’m publishing it now is because I am past this point in my life and I’m in a better place mentally, physically and spiritually so it doesn’t bother me to share this nor can anyone use this against me to make me feel bad about what I’ve done. I wrote this with the intent to publish it on July 23, 2018 and last edited on August 21, 2018 but was too ashamed to do so, because I was afraid of being perceived as crazy, unstable, or weak especially with how self harm/cutting is viewed in the black community (from my own personal experiences).
I’ve been laying in bed about 16 hours of the day. I’m not cutting my arm anymore so that’s progress, however, the thought hasn’t left my mind completely like I want it to. Don’t get me wrong I haven’t cut myself in a very long time, however when things get hard for me I don’t ever want to have the thought “I should kill myself” or “I feel like cutting”. For a very long time I wouldn’t address this because— again, I didn’t want to be perceived as weak, crazy or unstable. I remember getting back from job corps and my aunt saw the cuts, she asked me if I was cutting my arm… I was too ashamed to tell her so I lied to her.
That was the end of it and she believed me. I always felt bad about lying to her but I felt like that kept her from going in on me. When my cousin found out she asked me if I was cutting myself and I said no and she said “good cause only white people do that”. Going through it myself, and growing up, meeting other black people who cut as well— I know exactly how wrong she was. Me cutting my arm wasn’t “looking for attention” but simply me trying to cope with pain, anger, and hurt. I was really hurting. “Looking for attention” has such a negative connotation when it’s said… and I can’t speak for any other races but my own and it’s almost as if whoever says it to you is basically saying that you will go through any and every extreme to get attention when in reality you’re hurting and need someone to talk to you/help you.
Now that I’m grown I would say there’s so many f****** things you can do for attention— harming yourself is not one of them. And if you really break it down to the nitty-gritty cutting yourself can be a way of seeking attention but it’s because something is hurting you and you’re not okay inside. BLACK PEOPLE need to STOP telling their family members who are suffering and hurting they’re attenton seekers and start opening up and talking to each other more. Humans are made to pick up vibes and energy… YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEONE IS HURTING. YOU KNOW WHEN SOMEONE ISN’T THEMSELVES.
I post affirmations, prayers, and positivity Around My Room on Post-it notes and sticky notes and they help when I see them. But I don’t always get out of bed and I don’t always see them. When I go out, I stockpile food for about a week that way I don’t have to leave my room or interact with anyone. I have to closed myself off to anyone because everyone seems like they don’t care about internal just external and as much as my external is broken, it is nowhere near as drained, depleted, or as broken as my internal and we all know without a healthy internal, your external is nothing. If your spirit is hurting how can your physical not be. I feel down a lot because of where my life is and also because of where it’s not. I try to focus on the positives like where it’s going, and what I can do today to get there where I want to be tomorrow.
I wake up and I turn on my Calm app, I do my sun salutation I stretch my body to the highest point I can get it too meaning my arms way up in the air. Then I stretch my body to the lowest point I can get it too which is my head as close to my knees as I can get it. Then I do all the stretches that I can possibly do that make me hurt because that’s the only way I know I’m gaining flexibility and elasticity within my muscles. After stretching and meditating for about 10 minutes or whatever the app suggests that day, and check all my messages and whatnot to make sure I haven’t missed any money. To get a feel of what I’ll be doing for the day I check my agenda and I log into my test website and then I get ready for my shower and grooming.
This was the end of the diary entry/post but I’ll do an updated daily routine post soon.
Here are some resources for therapy and help for POC!